Friday, May 10, 2013

Faking It

After reading this amazing new post on Hyperbole and a Half, I started thinking about a few things. Firstly, I think I've read something on that blog before, but I never really took notice of how good it is. Everyone else already did apparently, as it has like a million likes on facebook, so I'm kind of late to the party. If you haven't read anything on there, I highly recommend it. It's hilarious and personal and super well written all at once.

I read part one of these depression posts second, in the wrong order. Part one actually resonated more with me, although part two is more thought out and well written. The reason part one resonated more with me is that I could relate to it. I don't think I've ever gotten to the stages outlined in part two, although after reading this blog it's very easy to see how someone would. I don't think I've ever read something about depression that's been more easy to understand.

The fact is, I don't even know if I've ever had depression, and that's really confusing. I've suspected at some points, but I've never had it confirmed. I've been to a councilor approximately once in my life, and that was not long ago. I didn't go back. It's not that she wasn't nice, or understanding. It's just that I felt like I was faking it. I find it very hard to remember feelings that are in the past. So whatever I feel like a certain day, I can't remember feeling any other way. Which makes it difficult when you feel bad one day so you book an appointment, but when that day comes you feel neutral, so saying "I felt bad a couple of days ago" feels like lying. I start wondering if I ever did feel bad, or whether that's something I made up. So I didn't go back.

The other thing is, people all feel bad at certain points, and good at certain other points. Same with anxiety. So how do you know if the feelings you have are the normal ones, or the more extreme ones? I read a lot of blogs where people talk about their depression or anxiety, and they're very sure of themselves. They've been to therapists, they know exactly what's going on. Which makes me think that maybe the only way to have the bad version of those things is if you know you have them. Is it? Does everyone know for sure they have depression or anxiety? Does anyone else feel like they're faking it when they tell someone about it? Or exaggerating?

Then again, I'm quite used to feeling bad. I feel bad quite a lot. I also feel apathetic, tired and unmotivated almost constantly. Isn't that normal though? Isn't that just being lazy? I just don't know if it's the kind you should get help for, or if it's the normal kind you should just learn to live with. I can relate really well to the section on that post about making faces to go with emotions. But I think maybe that's just part of my personality. I've been doing it for so long. I can remember starting to do it in primary school. Is that the normal one or the bad one?

Anyway I better post this before I decide it's way too personal and delete it all. I'll accompany it with some photos of my new Hello Kitty Vans. I like these shoes very much.

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